Searching 4 My Reason
by AmethystofBlackRose
Summary: Whatever happened to Misa when Light died? The Kira era is over, but Ryuk decides to make one last visit to the human world. Now that Misa knows about Light's tretchery will she choose a new side?
1. Prologue

**Amethyst: Hi! I thought up this story while trying to get an idea for my other story, but I haven't been able to be on the computer. Sorry I am currently stuck and I'll be happy to listen to any of your ideas.**

I watched in horror as the Japanese Task Force carried away Light's lifeless body. I made a sound somewhere between a shudder and a scream. No! He couldn't be dead! Light was Misa's knight, how could he die?! But I could clearly see his lifeless body on the ground below me.

My feet scraped the edge of the rooftop as I craned my neck to get a better view. Then before I could make up my mind I was running. The stairs blurred and everything was moving too fast, but I was moving in slow motion. The walls were huge grey blurs. Everything else seems kind of foggy. I remember screaming and running toward my dead fiancé. Mogi had grabbed me by the waist and held me back as I continued my pitiful wails. My feet were kicking at nothing as I tried to free myself from his grasp.

I was silent on the whole car ride back to my house. I knew it would be empty. Misa's Light was gone… I nodded numbly as people I knew spoke to me though I could not understand their words. Finally their voices went away. I was alone in the darkness. It was way too quiet.

Then nothing… darkness… empty holes… confusion… something in my mind was trying to get out… and then?

Everything, everything came rushing back. The notebook, shinigami, L, Light was Kira! My memories felt like daggers stabbing my heart from all angles. It was so much to handle. And the blood, so much blood. My blood, it dripped from the deep cut I had made along my arm to my wrist and through my vein. It wouldn't stop. Drip, drip. Blood began to mix with my tears. My knees felt weak and they began to give way. Again the darkness came, but what was light without my Light, Kira.

Next thing I knew I was in a hospital room. Everything from the window to the sheets was white, pure white. Misa hated it.Why was Misa in such a horrible place? It smelled like dead things and cleaning supplies and everything was so bright it hurt my eyes and made me squint.

Why did everything feel so meaningless? Seconds began to drag by into minutes. I stared at my ivy. A clear liquid dripped down and into my body. Was this how the rest of my life was going to be?

The door rattled a few seconds before sliding open a crack. "Misa Misa?" Matsuda's voice came from the crack. His mop of black hair appeared.

"Matsu?" I asked. My voice sounded strange and dead. I sat up as Matsuda came inside. I felt my heart break again when I saw the two pink roses. His eyes were overflowing with concern.

"Uh, you did this because you missed Lightdidn't you? Look, you should know the truth. He was using you! While you weren't here he was with Takada. He never cared about you! Don't beat yourself up for him!" Matsuda yelled. I could see his eyes begin to water.

I felt reality crash down upon me. I remembered whenever I was with Light I felt a slight hollow place in my heart because deep down I knew he never really loved me. I had known that from the beginning. I had even given him permission to…Suddenly I felt smarter, like being deceived made me faster, and not a moron. What made me talk in third person anyway? "M-Matsu…" my eyes began to water.

Before Matsuda could say anything he was shoed out by the nurse. As the nurse took my temperature I started thinking about nothing in particular, just thinking. I was far from my ending. Just because Light was gone didn't mean I was going to throw my life away. This was my beginning…

**Amethyst: Done! Please, please review! I love to hear your thoughts and ideas! And I'll try to update my other story soon. I have a huge writers block. **


	2. Chapter 1

**L: Hello, I decided I wanted to introduce this chapter since I'm not in it. (Sniffs) Anyway, Amethyst does not own Death Note, nor does she own an actual death note… That we know of…**

**Amethyst: Dun-dun-dun!! I'm hyper…**

The doctor decided to keep me overnight to see if I would make anymore suicide attempts. They gave me something to help me sleep and left. I lay in bed thinking about the last six years. I had given up my career, but I was still twenty-six, so maybe I could do something. All I knew was that I needed to lie low for a while. After that I began to drift off, and my mind became jumbled.

I woke up with a bright light shinning in my eyes. I groaned and rolled over. It took a second for me to remember why I was in the hospital.

"Oh, good morning Misa Misa!" the nurse said setting fresh towels down on the dresser next to me.

I decided it was best to act like I was the same Misa I had always been. "Good morning. Can I go home now? Misa wants to shower," I yawned sitting up.

"The doctor wants to see you first, and then yes, you can leave," she beamed at me.

"Well, can you send him in then?" I said sounding slightly annoyed.

"He's with another patient at the moment, but I'll have him come in as soon as he's done." With that she left, closing the door behind her.

I sighed impatiently. If there was one thing I wasn't good at it was being patient. I tapped my black painted nails against my leg.

Finally, after what seemed like forever the doctor came in with a clipboard. He glanced at his papers and then raised his eyebrows at me. "Miss Amane," he read casting me a disapproving look. "You know suicide is a very serious thing."

"Yes, Misa knows she made the wrong choice. Now can Misa go home?" I said impatiently.

"We want to make sure this doesn't happen again," the doctor continued ignoring me. He took off his glasses and cleaned them on his shirt.

"It won't," I said automatically.

The doctor stared at me for a minute. "Just to make sure will you sign this?" he asked handing me a slip.

I took the slip and read it over. "You don't trust me enough to go on my own?" I asked flipping the paper over.

"It's not that at all Miss Amane. We just want to make sure you see a psychologist."

I sighed and grudgingly signed the slip of paper. "Can Misa go now?"

"Yes, you may. Oh, and one more thing! Would you like me to schedule the appointment for you?" the doctor asked as I grabbed my clothes.

"Sure, whatever," I said absentmindedly walking into the bathroom. I didn't really care about my appearance at the moment. The only thing on my mind was a hot shower. It felt like it had been forever since I'd had one.

With that one thought on my mind I was out of the hospital in about seven minutes. It took me under a minute to catch a cab and seven minutes to get home. Once I was dropped off at my apartment I ran without pausing, up the steps and up again to my floor. No one was ever home, so it was felt like the whole floor was mine.

The inside of my apartment was dark and dreary. I bumped into the counter on my way to my room. Clumsily, I threw my stuff on my bed and fumbled around for the light switch. A dim light cast shadows around my room. After pausing for a minute I remembered that I had left a bloody knife in the kitchen.

I walked as quickly as I could to the kitchen without bumping into anything. I opened the blinds of the window above my kitchen sink. Bright light burst into the room making me squint. Once my eyes adjusted I peered around the room. Before I had blood everywhere, but now it was spotless. _They must have cleaned it up,_ I thought.

My apartment felt disserted and lonely. I sighed; it would take a while to get used to living alone. Before I lived with Light I has lived with Rem, and before that I had lived with my sister. Being alone felt like a big transition that I wasn't ready for. To tell the truth ever since that day I was supposed to die I had felt that my time was up. It felt like I was cheating death.

I leaned against the counter with my head in my hands. I had spent so many years being stupid that my head hurt from thinking too much. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. They came out greasy, ew!!!

For once I wiped my hands on my pants without caring. I headed back into my room and into my master bathroom. The sound of my shower turning on was like euphoria to my ears. I quickly stripped down and got in.

The water ran from my hair to my toes. I watched as blood and dirt ran with it down the drain. I tilted my head back and let the water wash the unforgotten tears from my face. I turned around and reached for my vanilla-honey shampoo.

The shower had relaxed me and cleared my mind. I was also less tense. This gave me the perfect opportunity to think of a plan. I was dealing with geniuses, which was way out of my league.

Even if I wasn't conscience of it at the end, I had helped Kira. As far as I knew, they hadn't decided what to do with me yet. They weren't exactly on my side and I wasn't planning on going to jail, or dying. _What to do? What to do? _I pondered, while brushing my damp, naturally golden blond hair. _It seems to look limp today,_ I thought.

I set my brush down and walked back into my room. My room was painted black with white trimming on the top and bottom. By the opening to the bathroom is my charcoal black dresser. To the right was also my black nightstand. My unmade blood red bed was next to that. In front of my bed was my television. The other side of my room was littered with piles of my things, including my laptop.

I opened the second to last drawer of my dresser and started rummaging around for something to wear. Finally I decided on a lacey, midnight blue nightgown with a v-neck. It felt comfortable and familiar.

I felt strange though. For the first time since I moved in my room felt dark. I walked over to the other side of my room, picking my way through all the piles to my window. I drew back the blood red curtains. With a startled gasp I backed away from the window. Quickly, I moved to one side and listened. From outside I could hear a hyuk, hyuk, hyuk.

A single word found its way out of my mouth. Ryuk.

**Amethyst: I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while. I just haven't been motivated enough to… Anyway, please review! I will update as soon as I finish writing the next chapter.**


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